Scars

I watched a movie not too long ago where a man whose wife lost her memory of him had to learn to live with events he had no control over - he said "life is all about moments of impact".  I remember responding to this movie line, in my head, holy moly heck yes!  Moments of impact!  I hang on to multiple moments of my life.  Moments that stand out, moments that hit my heart, moments that hurt me to the core, moments that I will never ever forget.  Perhaps this has to do with my zodiac Cancer, as we are known to remember moments of deep feelings.  There are some dates in my life that each time they pass, I recall those specific moments and experiences that have changed my life, changed who I am, and changed how I look at the world and those around me.  Both for the good and not so good.  And I know change is usually good, change can be growth, change can be inspiring, change can be liberating.  Change can also be deathly frightening.  My childhood is recalled as moments of impact, (I categorize memories as pre-1986 or post-1986 impact) the biggest impact was the month before my 10th birthday when my mom loaded my brothers and I in our Grand Marquis and we drove away from our home, moving to a new town.  I cried the whole five hour drive.  I will never forget that moment or the way things changed in our lives after that.  I will also never forget the moment on April 17, 1991 when our phone rang and my mom told me it was a call to tell me that my friend Meranda had died.  That moment incapacitated me.  I didn't know how to respond.  That was maybe the first moment of my life that I can remember that I felt unable to control the physiological and emotional responses that totally overwhelmed me.  But not the last.  Then there was the moment on April 19, 1995 where I was handed my baby boy.  A moment when I realized that all other moments couldn't compare to that one.  All fear and anger and doubt disappeared as I fell totally in love with that moment.  I felt that total love again on March 18, 1999 with my baby girl. There were moments before, and in between those dates, and shortly after, that I would love to forget.  Then there is the moment in December 2002.  When I believed that I could be loved despite all those other moments that shaped my life.  And then on August 19, 2005 when I stood in front of a man who promised to love me in all the moments that would come.  And I thought about all moments that had led up to that one.  And they disappeared.  Because I loved the moment I was in.  So many wonderful moments came after that one.  The moment when I finally started the career I had spent so many years preparing for.  The moment on July 10, 2006 when I was finally able to hold my second baby boy after some very tense moments.  Those tense moments left a big scar.  A very physical one.  That scar still reminds me of that miracle moment.  And so many wonderful moments followed that one.  And some not so wonderful moments, but bearable moments when I knew that with patience and persistence, more wonderful moments would follow.  Then another moment of intense impact, that is forever etched in my being.  November 15, 2010, 2:17pm, a moment that changed so much.  Incapacitated me.  A moment that impacted so many.  A moment that changed all moments that would follow.  And as I was trying to make sense of that moment, the man who promised to love me in all moments that would come, had his own moment of impact.  That changed him.  His moment impacted so many.  And each of our moments of impact changed the way we were, as individuals and as a 'we'.  As we tried to be a support to each other to make it through the horrible moments that followed, we both had open wounds.  Those wounds became so deep.  Not just because they impacted our professional lives in ways nobody else could truly understand, but because they impacted our lives every single day in every single aspect.  Even though we always said it could be worse, I don't know if we believed that.  We thanked God each day and each night that our kids were healthy, but the changes of those moments of impacts also affected them.  It was so easy for people to say to us that it will get better, but when you are deep in the grasp of a moment that you can not control, that doesn't even seem fathomable.  So we fought on.  In our own ways.  And both our moments of impact were eventually followed by moments of disbelief when, from the outside, it looked like there was resolution to the years of hell we endured.  And as much as I believe we both embraced those moments to move forward, those wounds didn't completely heal.  Now, two years later, I still feel the sting of those wounds.  In every aspect of my life, I see the ghosts, the shadows, and feel the lingering scars.  Yes, there have been some really great moments since then.  But there have also been some horrible ones.  Moments where physiological and emotional responses are out of my control.  More life altering dates etched in my mind.  And dealing with the horrible moments is now different.  There's a lot of numbness now, like how a physical scar feels.  Those moments shape how I deal with each moment that comes.  And maybe that's not a good thing.  Maybe it is.  The scars, both physical and emotional will always remain, to remind me that I have hurt and have been hurt, physically and emotionally.  But there is also so much good intertwined with each of our moments of impact.  Friendships.  Child successes.  Life.  Laughter.  Love.  As the routines of every day life now fill the spaces, I try to live in the moment that is now.  And embrace the good.  And hope that the people who are responsible for evil and pain will feel the impact of their own moments.  Not in a spiteful way, but in a justice sort of way.  But above that I hope that I can now face each new moment with a fresh perspective, knowing that I am surrounded by people who won't ever truly understand the depth and intensity of those scars, but will share love, hope, peace and happiness through all the moments to come.